Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
