Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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