actually, I'm a sock model
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
