Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
