when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
