I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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