All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
