she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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