my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
