There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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