Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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