sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
