if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
did i walk over a car last night?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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