The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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