I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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