im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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