he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
