Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
