He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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