Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Blood and glitter go together right?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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