I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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