Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
someone threw a dead crab at me
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
