Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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