Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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