Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
