It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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