did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
