Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
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