I could have mohawked her pubes.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?