Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.