Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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