After last night, I could never be a politician.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
