my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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