Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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