can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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