I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
