I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
