he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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