good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
farters have to be the big spoon...
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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