FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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