1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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