The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
