He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
