she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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