I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
