oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
