So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
