if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
