I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
