im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
