Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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