Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
