What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
