Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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