the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
