He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
