i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
COCAINE IS GR8
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
